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Grinners 'n Groaners: Jokes

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra.”
“My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road.”
“My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre.”
“Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road .”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy’s wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such  a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property”..
“Property?”, his wife replies. “He owns a window cleaning business!”
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Haha!

And a true story, as told to Pamela Stephenson.

Bloke falls in love and is about to ask his chick to marry, so he figures he needs to get to know her parents.

Arranges dinner, and greets the parents.

Immediately realising he fucked the dad a couple of years ago during a bi-curious phase.

Awkward.

Nuptials are not on the agenda any more.
Love is... that one person whose freshly-warm toilet seat you don't find disgusting.
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Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250.'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy,
'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that. That's four times what they cost when they were new. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now…!!'
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Nice.
Love is... that one person whose freshly-warm toilet seat you don't find disgusting.
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus
"Just be patient, have a rum shot and a smoke and maybe a toke and enjoy the company." - sparks
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Oh damn! GROAN!!! Smile
You can lead 'em to knowledge, but you can't make 'em think.
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Much as i like the hemp plant, I don't trust the cbd plant.

Here's J.P., going off on cbd:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU3jzF1l__0
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