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Grinners 'n Groaners: Jokes
A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a heavy sigh.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior said. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the putt, didn't you?"
"'I'll go sharpen the stillettos bad boy." - Di Wundrin 
There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down.

The first bee said , " dont worry ill give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank",
it worked , for a couple of miles that is until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same.Then finally the car broke down.

The squirrel said " I'll pee in the tank"

The man replied, sorry mate, this car only runs on BP.
"'I'll go sharpen the stillettos bad boy." - Di Wundrin 
(10-11-2017, 04:57 AM)Di Wundrin Wrote:  SQUIRRELS

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

(10-11-2017, 08:56 AM)grayman Wrote:  A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel.

It says, "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

These are good...

But now I feel even worse about the squirrel I just accidentally ran over... Sad
The BP one is older than I am, Grayman,  but the others are rippers. Smile
Well, the thread title does say groaners, and that one sure is.
Love is... that one person whose freshly-warm toilet seat you don't find disgusting.
A giraffe walks into a bar and announces "the Highballs are on me!"
"'I'll go sharpen the stillettos bad boy." - Di Wundrin 
Shamelessly stolen from another forum.

The light turned amber, just in front of a fella. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious, as she slammed on her brakes, and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, having missed her chance to get through the intersection.

While still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious Police Officer. The Officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. Hand-cuffing her, the Officer then drove her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed & placed in a "holding cell."

After a couple of hours, another Policeman approached her cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the Arresting Officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated "Christian Fish" emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car!

Yep. It's them 'Good Christians' ya gotta watch out for!
You can lead 'em to knowledge, but you can't make 'em think.

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